I’ve been quiet. Life has been going along, nothing out of the ordinary, but goodness in our day-to-day living. I’ve been puttering in the garden, knitting, playing and reading with the kids, and I’m about to ramble on for a long bit since I haven’t posted in awhile. So sit back and keep reading after the bump if you want to read about the circuitous path my mind has been taking of late. I’m back in the classroom after a semester away. When I started this blog last year, my full time contract was ending at my job and I was returning to adjunct status. I was in a state of flux, didn’t know what was going to happen. As it turned out, I ended up only teaching one more semester before stopping because it wasn’t economically viable. So here I am again, back in the classroom, teaching two nights a week for four hours at a time, and the topic is statistics, to boot. I love it–but I’m sure most of you can imagine that this is probably not a first choice course for almost all students. When I finished teaching in December, I wasn’t sure how I was going to feel not being in academia as I’ve wanted this since I was 18 (and now am a ripe 31). I was like a horse with blinders on, only seeing one path, one direction. Since December my frame of thinking has changed immensely and I have been surprisingly happy. I never wanted to be a full-time stay-at-home mom. The feminist in me screamed, “you have to work or all those degrees years of school will be wasted!! You’re more than your kids and your husband!!” Yeah, I have some big voices in my head that are hard to turn off at times. And sometimes they are very, very good at making me feel bad about my choices. But I’ve come to realize that though I came to this path of working at home because of economics, it is a choice I’m not sorry about now. I don’t miss academia in the way I thought I would. While I type I can sit here and listen to L4 describing the “beautiful fish” and other things in her drawing and I can work on having a more simple life. I don’t miss stressing out as I rush to get the kids ready by myself in the morning, watch L3 get on the bus, then rush to daycare to drop off L4 for the day, fight traffic to get to work on time in a place where I am not really respected or appreciated because I am an adjunct (i.e.: can’t get published, must have crappy research). What’s this coming down to? Being back in the classroom isn’t like I never left because I did leave and I have changed. But I am enjoying working with the students–I love seeing a light bulb go off when they grasp a statistical concept. I think, however, that I am learning to let go of the bitterness that filled my spirit when I finished in December. I’m trying to be open to this new feeling of letting go (I’m horrible at holding grudges, it’s a big fault of mine) and living in the now rather than worrying about trying to do more research with no resources or compensation and no hope of getting a permanent “job.” I have been very engaged in the process of continuing to make my family’s life more sustainable, of making “things” to help others do the same, and trying to be more mindful of the life that I am living rather than always thinking about “the next thing.” This is HUGE for me–ask my husband, who I freaked out when we met because I was 18 and had my life course planned out and was ready to do it for him, too, if he would have let me. 🙂
And now that you have read all of my 200th post, leave a comment about what you think I should give away to mark this post. Of course I’d love to read a comment about my ramblings, too. I haven’t gotten all of my thoughts out there on this, but hey, my 3 year old is telling me she is getting bored so I need to get off the computer!