My babes, right before school began this fall.
The first time I ever sent my boy on the bus all by himself I felt a tremor of trepidation. Every time he or his sister have gone off into the world, into social situations which I couldn’t monitor in me there was an undercurrent of tension and elation. They both are so much more social than I, so I was happy for them to have that need and desire for companionship fulfilled. At the same time, I was tense with concern about how they would behave with others and in turn, how they would be treated. I’m sure many of us had less-than-pleasant experiences in our childhood interactions with our peers. Oh, how I wish I could shield my babes from this!
In the past few days we’ve been grappling with the social interactions our children have been experiencing. For L3, there have been unpleasant interactions with a child on the bus. He’s played with this boy in the past, the child is a neighbor, yet there were some serious issues at the end of last school year on the bus. They seemed to be getting along at the beginning of this school year, and now problems have begun again. This other child has been calling L3 names (ex: “freak:) and swearing at him. Today the other child pushed L3 when they were getting on the bus to come home. My boy insists that he hasn’t returned the name calling and we’ve been working with him to practice ignoring the comments of this child. But–this isn’t enough. L3 is sensitive and it hurts to see him come home so upset when there is no good reason for it. We have been nervous about talking to this child’s parents more because the mom has been a bit defensive in the past and because she’ll say things like, “boys being boys” or something to that effect.
And then there’s L4–enthusiastic about her UPK program, excited about what she’s doing and learning. And the younger sister of the boy who taunts L3 is in her class and they, too, have played together in the past. L4 has been telling me for several days how this girl, “never plays with me at school.” Today I observed L4 approach this girl and ask, “Will you play with me?” and the girl made a face at her and said, “no.” I’m quite sure that L4, in her 4-year-old state of mind didn’t think much of the look and tone, but oh! how I was transported to so many memories of unpleasant interactions growing up. Thankfully L4 seems unperturbed and keeps on trying.
Does anyone have any brilliant advice for how to handle these situations? Part of me wants to shield them both from such happenings, but I know it is unrealistic. But I do want to help provide them with some sort of shield to protect their spirits.
ugh… I am so sorry to hear Logan is having trouble on the bus. It would seem the back to school high has worn off for everyone. We are back to having problems with the bus and in school too. I have had TWO calls from the vice-principal in the past two weeks!!
I will be waiting with baited breath to read if anyone following your blog has a magic fix for problems like these. I know what you mean about not wanting to see your kids hurt, I feel the same way. At the same time though, knowing the awful things I went through as a student, these are the things that make us the people we will become as adults.
Arg, I remember as a child having had this kind of problems too… A girl in primary school, running after me in the playground, calling me fatgirl, things like that. Ouch. It really hurt me and changed the way I saw myself (yes, it can be that important to a child, unfortunately). I remember my mother not helping me much, but always listening to me when I was complaining, that is a good thing at least. But she never gave me the magic solution I was waiting for (and unless being a witch, I doubt any mother has that trick in her sleeve). Anyway, some of my friends were on my side, and someday this mean girl and her crew grew tired of her game and left me alone. I guess this is partly how I learned that everything passes, good or bad, and the important thing is to learn how to recognize your true friends…
Maybe an interesting thing would be to help your son to understand why this boy is acting like this. To be the center of attention in the bus, or in his group of friends ? To get L3’s attention maybe (some have really weird manners to say “please look at me”, as we all know) ? To exteriorize some anger he has inside, because of personal problems ? When did this start ? Could it be because L3 hurt his feelings in a way he didn’t notice ?
I tell this because it reminds me of a best friend of mine when I was 11 or so who became very agressive with me, calling me names and even throwing things at me (!) when I was riding my bicycle, just because I was moving away with my parents. He was so sad and angry to lose me that he became quite mean. I was frightened by his acts but as I was sad to leave him too, I understood quite well this reaction.
Well, understanding this boy’s mean acts probably won’t help L3 to stop this namecalling, but I think it could help him to feel better, no ?
hum, sorry for the long writing (wow !)
Warning: You will not like my advice.
Everyone I know who has been bullied and gotten the bully to back off has done so by fighting back. And by fighting back I mean returning a push with a push. Kids who pick on other kids want easy targets, i.e. someone who will not fight back. Sad, but bullies back off quickly if challenged. Not sure what to say about the name-calling, but ignoring the problem never makes it go away. One way or another, I’d say the best solution is for L3 to confront this kid and make it clear he won’t tolerate it. And for you to make it clear to L3 that he will not get in trouble for defending himself.
Sorry, but I really wish this was the advice my parents had given me back in elementary school. Instead, they told me they were proud of me for ignoring it and it made me the nicer/better person. Maybe it did, but it also meant that I was the kid who got picked until she graduated high school and who still has major trust and anger issues. 😦
I agree with Tracey. We talked about it after reading your post. As someone who was picked on in school, a lot, I can attest to the fact that not fighting back, in some manner, means they never stop. If the other kid keeps picking on him and Logan does not fight back then he will continue to be an easy target. Unfortunately, fighting back will have consequences, he may get caught and be in trouble in school, but in the long run if he succeeds in fighting back a few times, gets in trouble, and doesn’t get picked on all through school it will be much better. No one’s going to care in 20 years that he occasionally hit a kid or two who picked on him in 20 years.
So, short answer: Logan’s going to have to hit him, hopefully only once, maybe 2-3 times. The other kid will probably stop pretty soon and look for a target that doesn’t hit back.
I partially agree with Tracey and Al. Let me first say that I know that we don’t want to blame the victim nor encourage violence.
He is taking karate and one of the first lessons is getting away from the aggressor, then blocking. I think he needs a serious chat with one of his younger instructors or even Sensei about what he should/could do with what he is learning there. I think he should be the one to initiate the talk, but maybe we could guide him to it.
I was never really in the picked-on crowd through school, mostly just the ignored crowd but had my friends; I got this way by pretty much not caring when people made derogatory comments. There was only one time someone seriously tried to bully me, demanding something from me and clearly looking for a fight. I grabbed him and turned him upside down and held tight. Then dropped him on his side when the outdoor monitor saw us. Naturally I got called in to the principal’s office, but since I’d never been in a fight before (and he had) and I was able to explain the entire situation, nothing came of it for me. I think a huge part is backing off more than being in trouble. Choose the fights to respond to appropriately- they showed us a great demo of this at a recent seminar… put your hands up, palm out and loudly say “I really don’t want trouble, please don’t fight me…etc” when you see it coming. It makes the adults nearby notice and pay attention and so when the other kid hits or shoves or whatever, they can see that you were trying to avoid it, but hey, he hit so you defended yourself.
This, unfortunately, is so foreign to L3 because he is so sensitive and just wants to get along.
Oh no, this hurts my heart to read this. I really don’t have advice, when I was a nanny and the children I watched were picked on (quite a bit) by some nasty neighbors, I took it upon myself to go up to the bully and nicely said “Enough is enough if you don’t like (the child I watched) then please leave him alone, what you are doing is hurtful”
My friend just went through this and the parents had a meeting about it, she was lucky that the parents of the bully were cooperative, and she was really nervous about it. She also involved the teachers who actually spent a day focused on this.
I worry about this in the future for our little one. It makes me want to homeschool, but I realize that we can’t shield them forever…sigh…
I heard that this is good:
http://www.stopbullyingnow.hrsa.gov/adults/default.aspx
as is this
http://www.education.com/topic/school-bullying-teasing/
My heart aches for you. I know exactly how this feels – our little girl underwent the same treatment at her previous school. Part of me wanted to go up to that school and slap those children hard across the face. However, having worked in a school for almost 20 years, there are a couple of things I have learnt. It NEVER works, speaking parent to parent. No matter how horrible another child’s behaviour, his or her parent is always defensive and unpleasant if confronted. This only creates more tension between the children and I’ve never seen it resolve the situation. Telling your child to fight fire with fire has never worked in my experience. It only feeds the bullying behaviour and culture and can often result in YOUR child being noticed by other children and staff as a child who behaves unpleasantly. I have found – through personal experience and teaching experience – the best solutions are found by involving the school. Most schools have an anti-bullying policy and if you approach them calmly with a list that includes the date, time and specifics of the bullying, they have procedures they can act upon. At the school I work it, we have a zero tolerance attitude towards bullying – and it’s all girls so it’s that insidious, hard to quantify stuff. But – we tell the parents to put it all in writing, with dates, times, who was present, what was done or said. Then the perpertrator is called in to the school counsellor’s office where they are told this is what we have been told. Did you know bullying is against the law. In this state, adults who bully have been sent to jail (which is true! Our chief magistrate was!). I am providing you with an opportunity to stop this behaviour right now (read out list of deeds) and if you do not, I will be calling your parents. If it doesn’t stop then, I will be calling the police and you will not be welcome in our school again. Boy does this work well. However, at Abby’s previous school, they were pissy weak and told Abby in front of the class, that she was a soft target. So we withdrew her from that school and her new school has been totally different. I did have to ring the principal once, she dealt with the girls involved that day, and Abby is now friends with one of these girls and has never had a problem since. Ignoring it, and telling our children to ignore the bullying, just gives the bully the power and it never works. Oh I do so sympathise with you – our societies are so broken by bullying and it’s impact can be lifelong.
Thank you, all, for taking the time to respond to this post. Things have been quiet for the past week or so. I spoke with the bus driver two different afternoons. He is aware of the issues on the bus, as is the principle and the teachers.
It’s sad to me to realize just how many of us had unpleasant (to put it mildly) experiences in our own youth. This pattern of bullying seems to find new and creative outlets as the children of today use an ever-increasing variety of social technology.
I can’t shield my children. What I can hope, and think I am seeing, is that as they experience situations like those I have described it makes them less likely to do the same themselves, or to stop and think if I call them on what they are doing (generally this is in regards to how they treat their sibling!).
So–peace for now for my boy, and I have a little more reassurance that the other adults in his life are also looking out for him in this situation.